I know, I know. I still owe you a wedding post. I'm getting there, I swear. I just took sooooo many pictures, it's been tough to weed through them all. I'll get on it right away. But for now, here are your folks.
I'm having a rough morning. I can't get the program I need for work to work and I am feeling totally overwhelmed right now. I have to collect myself so I can get work done today but it's going to be tough. I am crying already and I just want to crawl into a hole where no one can find me.
]]>If you could leave notes for the future, what message would you have left in the past for today?
Submitted by Nameless.
I'm not sure I understand this question. Why would I write a note to future me? Isn't that what a memory is for? Does the me from the past hold pearls of wisdom that the now me is oblivious to?
What amazes me is the number of people who answered this question without actually reading it. Go ahead, peruse some of the answers. It's mind boggling.
I felt kinda shitty today. It started off with my body feeling all stiff and not seeming to want to wake up. My mind was ready for action but my body said "I don't think so". After I got going at work I could feel it creeping in. This overwhelming urge to burst into tears. I was driving my massive truck around and found myself focusing on keeping myself together more than focusing on the road. It's not really an emotional thing. I wasn't thinking about anything sad or depressing. It was this physical feeling in my chest that was telling me to let the tears and sadness take over my body. It wanted me to drop everything and fall to the floor and cry. It took a lot of concentration for me to hold the first tears back. I knew if I let even one go that it would be all over for me and I had to make it through the day.
I am feeling a little better this evening. I still have the urge to cry, only it's much easier to control. If I spoke these words aloud however, I'd be sobbing like a baby.
The thing that bothers me is that I really don't have anything to be upset about. Seriously. Life is pretty damn good. I have a nice house, a nice husband, two great kids, two dogs, a secure job with people I like, I am going to school. I shouldn't be complaining. But for some unknown reason I can't shake this cloak of melancholy off my back.
I am beginning to tell Kris about how I feel. I have to ease into it with him though. I don't think he quite knows how to take it. I want him to know that it's not his fault I feel this way. He's really working on listening, but he tries to rationalize it a little too much. He is a direct cause and effect kind of guy. When something goes wrong he wants to find the thing that set it off so that it doesn't happen again. That's not really how this kind of thing works though. So I haven't been able to completely open up to him yet. But I haven't done that with anyone at all yet. I am just starting to talk to myself about it. Baby steps, right?
I have some weird thoughts sometimes. Well, maybe they aren't so weird, but they seem a little uncommon to me. Maybe you can tell me if this is unusual.
The other day I was driving to work. I am going over this section of highway hat is 5 or six lanes across and somewhere around 50 feet above the street below. For a quick second I get this thought in my head that sounded like "What if I turned the wheel really sharply to the right, busted through the little cement wall and flew through the air to the ground below?" That's kind of where the thought ends. It is very quick and hen my mind moves on to something else. I wouldn't call it a suicidal though because it's not really me wanting to kill myself. But I sort of want to see the carnage the truck would be in if I busted through the wall and smashed into the ground. I don't want to see other people get hurt. I imagine the road below being empty.
The reason I am writing about it now is that I had a similar image run through my head with the kids in the car. I was coming up on a red light and saw myself running the light and being simultaneously t-boned from both directions. I slowed down and stopped of course, but as soon as the impact in my head happened I got mad at myself because the kids were in the car. You know how doing something bad on your own doesn't bother you, but you would never want your kids to see you do it? It kinda felt like that, like the kids could see my thoughts. So now these thoughts are worrying me a little.
It's not like I want to kill myself. I don't. But these weird and violent thoughts pop in my head sometimes and then quickly pop out. Is that normal??
]]>I like blogging on Vox. Most of the people in my neighborhood are complete strangers and the few who are not, are the people I feel closest to. I am comfortable here which gives me the forum to utilize this anonymity to fully express myself and be who I really am.
The problem is I am not sure who that is anymore. I have lost my feeling of self. I feel like I have been walking around in someone else's skin for years. It is an odd and uncomfortable feeling, and I feel it constantly. I think that is part of the reason I am so drawn to getting tattooed. I need to find a way to being to make this body, this life, my own.
I also think I have lost my voice. I used to be so outspoken and opinionated. In recent years I have become more quiet and withdrawn. Perhaps it is because I am so uncomfortable. Back when I was younger I was surrounded by people that knew me in a place that was home. Now I am unnerved by my surroundings and the people around me are near strangers. That last point is my own doing of course. I keep everyone at a distance. I decided a long time ago that there is no point in becoming close to anyone when people move away, die, or simply loose touch. A poor decision, I admit, but one I have not made the effort to correct.
Vox gives me the platform to explore some of these ideas, and explore myself. When I write here I feel like I am writing in my own personal diary, but the diary speaks back. My diary has an opinion and a different point of view. I thank you for that. It helps me to realize I am not as crazy as I feel and I am not the only one with thoughts like these.
I don't really talk to anyone else so thanks for being there to listen.
This is not me looking for sympathy. This is what I truly believe and I hope that writing it may help me to speak it without crying which will in turn help me to fix these things. I do not like to be the center of attention (although some may argue that just by having a blog I must have a "pay attention to ME" attitude). I need to get these things off my chest so I can being to correct them.
I am not a very good:
Mother
Wife
Daughter
Sister
Friend
Student
Employee
Pet owner
Cousin
Blogger
Driver
Feminist
Speller
Sometimes I am not a nice person. Worse yet, I don't care that I am not being nice. I have been mad at myself for all of this for a long time. I feel I am being selfish, but not selfish enough to take care of myself. I am a lazy perfectionist. I demand myself to be better than I am, but do nothing to improve on the things I fall short on (which is everything). I do not like myself and do not care if you like me. How can I expect you to like me if I don't like me. I have a job that any monkey can do and I screw it up on a regular basis. I am out of shape and I don't eat right. I do not speak my opinion because I cannot find the words to articulate what it is I want to say in everyday conversation. In addition, I do not want to be proven wrong. I hate being wrong and I call myself stupid or retarded when I am wrong or forget something. I don't want to be like this anymore, but I don't know how to be any different.
I know, I know. I still owe you a wedding post. I'm getting there, I swear. I just took sooooo many pictures, it's been tough to weed through them all. I'll get on it right away. But for now, here are your folks.
Show us a flag.
Because I am in an extra homesick-y kind of mood, I will show you the flag of the Great State of California!
And just for fun I'll add in the state seal
Speaking of fun
And now for a little education. Do you know your state flower, bird, or tree? I do.
The California Golden Poppy
Although, I always like the California Condor better
Our tree is the Redwood, some of the largest trees in the world
There you go. Some education for you. If you don't know about your state, I urge you to find out. It's pretty cool stuff, but then, I'm a history nerd.
Disclaimer: I did not take any of these wonderful pictures.